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| Saturday, July 5th, 2008 | | 2:51 pm |
Can I have an explantion, please?
Can someone please freaking explain the significance for last night and the actions people who mean most to me were making? Can someone never hand my best friend the bottle of liquor anymore, put peer pressure on those who are weak and can't handle making decisions on their own, along with the consequences that come with it. I've been pretty disappointed at so many people lately. It makes me wonder if they're even disappointed in themselves. I don't understand why I've been getting all this unneeded fucking stress and drama when I have done nothing wrong. Fuck karma, I haven't done shit and I know life isn't always fair but I guess bad shit happens to good people without explanation as well.
To waste time on being angry or mad at anyone seems like such a waste of time to me. You never know what tomorrow or a couple of minutes will lead you to and I'd rather spend all that time loving and making someone happy then to STAY MAD. Plus, I like being happy (: hahah i just wish some people wouldn't take advantage of that so much. Oh well, whateverr.
Anywaysss, enough of the drama! I'm over all the bullshit and i'm ready for some new fresh air and new faces. Today and tonight will be interesting since I won't be around the same crowd of familiar faces (: Well, kind of. hahaha this is the benefit of going to parties and events and meeting new people.<3 So when shit goes down, i can always give a call or friendly text to those who are there for the simplicity of a drama-free hangout sess/party. I'm about to shopping in a bit to get my mind off the stupidity of last night(: or at least, the two people who killed my buzz &all thattttt junkkk. ohyeah, and thankgod for mike rescuing me! so shoutout to thatttt!<3 Hopefully tonight's good(: byeee! Current Mood:  optimistic | | Friday, May 2nd, 2008 | | 11:41 am |
fuck life
Hate school bullshit, with grades and everything. Forget trying, it's already too late. I think that's why i'm not excited for prom cause i know i'm not going to graduate and i don't know what the hell i'm going to do or break it to my parents etiher. whateverrrr i'm semi finalist for prom and fasion show's on monday at lunch in the lunch courts. it's great that i got nominated but it's nothing special anymore cause i doubt i'm gonna make it to top 4 girls, yaknow? eh, whateverrr... nothing to look forward to right now.. seriously.. whatever byeeee Current Mood:  aggravated | | Sunday, March 9th, 2008 | | 8:17 pm |
I don't know anymore..
Things aren't the same anymore and I don't know if it's a good thing or not. Sigh. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do about school and being on time with graduating, about driving, about my relationship life, my friends and having fun. Everything is changing, everything changed. What's happening? Time has been passing by so fast I forgot how to stop and just chill. I've been so concentrated on the future and making it the best and enjoying every minute of it. Trying to pass time faster and faster to make the best of the present, I forgot about what's going on around me. I'm thinking too much.. I have been lately. I don't know, i wish i could stop that shit. I got fucked up, like REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY fucked up and thought it would change me thinking too much but it didn't. -_- shit.. lol hahaha this sucks ass. I miss having someone but I need to stop that. Because I'm single for a reason, i didn't want to date or talk to anyone because I haven't done that in who knows long.. i'm always talking to someone, i can't help that shit. But now i'm not because I want to officially get the fuck over kyle for GOOD and not go back to him because he's a complete asshole. I don't know why he was ever my fallback. I even considered falling back on him right now hahah because i miss having someone. Isn't that terrible? I even called him last night cause i wanted "special attention" cause i was so fucked up. Damn, i'm screwed up. I need to get my shit together if i ever plan on getting into another relationship. Idk what I want anymore. I have a stupid crush on andy and i hate it. I'm going, bye! | | Sunday, February 24th, 2008 | | 4:56 pm |
comedown
is kind of shitty. i feeel like crap inside and out and i'm really exhausted but i can't fall asleep. i only slept for a few hours.. and i'm really upsettttttt with kyle right now i miss him =( bye bitches <3 Current Mood:  drained | | 4:31 am |
wwwwweooooooo!
rollinggggggg is back in my life again hahaha :) tonight was funnnnn. fuckk my jaw hurts now though :( stupid fucking gum mAAAAAAAan!! hahahaha recap; woke up, dimsum with jason and kihow, bumped into saingee and whittney, went to pick up wilson, went to very berry til theresa got off, uploaded videos, picked up kihow and went to chill at theresa's. then pickedup, rollllllllllllll :) and bumpin' chillin with jeff wong hahahah :D AND DAD FUCKING GROUNDED ME !!!!!!!!!! haahahahaha aha oh fuck it's been so long since i've been grounded, he must be fuckin PISSED at me lol hahaha he took my phone. ffffffffudgee lol byebyeeeeeeeee suckasss Current Mood: high | | Monday, October 29th, 2007 | | 10:23 pm |
| | Wednesday, October 17th, 2007 | | 9:31 pm |
it's about time. where have i been?
where the hell have i been.. i'm soo off track and i'm slipping slowly. sigh* i need to regroup and find myself all over again. i didn't know any better when i made a mistake of doing what i am now.. i thought pessimistic, so i went ahead and screwed up. but everything is well, and now i don't know how to get out of my own mistake. or maybe i do, but i'm just not doing anything about it because i think i can hold on just a little longer because i feel it's "best". I really know better and know the truth behind all the lies. What am i doing? I've been wanting this for so long and now i'm screwing it up. fuck life right now. this whole fucking week has been SHIT. nothing BUT SHIT.. blahhh Current Mood: bitchy | | Monday, October 15th, 2007 | | 7:00 pm |
oh how i missed you...
So, it's been forever since i've last updated you journal. Don't get me wrong, i've really really missed writing in this thing along with my personal hand written journal I used to always keep close in the summer. I've just been so busy lately with school, friends, family &boyfriend. Today I didn't go to school and had to attend court for a hearing and all that. I honestly.. hated every minute of it. It seemed like the longest couple of minutes of my life and that was only the hearing of when I have to come back. My dad yelled at me all morning while I ran all over the house trying to find conservative clothes for court. If there was a person to bring me down it would be my dad and the shit he says. I cried trying to find fucking clothes and just decided to throw on jeans and a longsleeve. Today was the first time I saw sugee in soo long. My best friend.. my dip (&i'm her dot), my sister from another mister.. We didn't even get to speak to each other, not even a smile or a word. Her mom came and said hello to us but me and sugee didn't even look at each other, and i never once looked at her either until we left. My mom and dad whispering at me telling me not to talk to her.. " DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO HER...... " hah. She apologized through a text when I got home, saying she's really sorry that all this had to happen to me and if i could ever forgive her. I didn't reply back. I didn't really talk to anyone today, really. *sigh. I really miss my best friends. I miss a lot of the old days and sometimes it makes me really want to cry and just hug all them and hold onto them for as long as I can. I miss nights with megan when all we would do is laugh about stupid little things and we'de dance in her room to dumb songs because we were so high. The nights where we had deep conversations about the newest issues we had going on. I miss running for the bus or train with sugee and kathy because we wanted to explore and reach rancho just to see kyle and trevor. Haha.. the times we didn't even have money for even a single ticket so we had to count up all our change and add it up all together. I miss christmas eve with kyle when we would just sit together on his dad's living room floor just joking and laughing and exchange a million kisses. When he would hold onto me tight in the winter breeze and didn't have to say how much he loved me because i could just feel it in the way he looked at me, held me, kissed me. I miss lisa fasula, my little pistol. But you have to be careful about reminsing. It's crazy how much life twists and turns. I think today is my reality check-in and I don't like it very much. I think I've become very selfish the past couple of weeks. I do think i am caring, considerate and compassionate but some of the things I have been doing don't seem to make any sense. I would rather make myself happy first, then hurt myself by making someone else happier. Forget that, fuck that, i'm over it. I thought ...i was convinced that maybe if i have my fun, do my own thing, and deal with whatever else on my own time would be the right thing to do. but I do understand why it is wrong with what i'm doing right now. But I am also convinced that if i end what i'm doing right now, then it would just bring uncalled for tensions I could have controlled. Todays is me and kyle's 2 year and 1month anniversary. He picked me up yesterday and we went to citywalk just to walk around and look for our costumes together for halloween. We got into a fight on saturday night again about why i never invite him to places with me and my friends or that i didn't even mention i wasn't going to knott's berry farm on saturday with my friends. These little things unsaid, don't seem to really matter to me. Because i feel that since he did it to me all the time then, it's fine for me to just let things role and they do and just face it when it comes by. I think now that he realizes that i hated that shit when he did it to me, he hates it now as well. i'm going to hurt myself along with others and i am going to walk with my chin high as hell and say, " fuck it, life moves on. " bye Current Mood: cold | | Sunday, August 26th, 2007 | | 12:29 am |
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't wanna get hurt again. It's been 2 years that I've been in love with the same person and even though I've dated in between that time, my love hasn't changed a damn bit. Ever since the first day we met til' now. and it scares the living hell out of me and makes me shake. i don't know what to do because if i get into the relationship with him again, I don't want him to ditch me for some other girl again. And if he does it again, I don't think I'de ever want to talk to him ever again because I couldn't ever handle being his friend if he does it again. It's just not right. We could never be JUST FRIENDS. It's a known mothafuggin' FACT. Sorry, for other girls he's liked or guys i've liked. Because in between the time we haven't been together, everytime we see eachother it's like "old times". We act like a couple all over again because we've never really been " just friends ", therefore it becomes so natural for us to act together. But then again, if you really think about it.. if you really didn't care about someone in a romantic way anymore, you wouldn't want to act like it or be attracted to them enough to want to do anything sexual or contact them in that way. I just don't give a fuckin shit, if you don't like someone at all in a romantic way, you wouldn't want them. so BAM! Hense, bootycalling. You wouldn't wanna fuck someone you loved if you aren't in love with them anymore. She/he could be hot, but so whhaa? Or is it different for guys? I ono. Current Mood: uncomfortable | | Saturday, August 25th, 2007 | | 7:13 pm |
dfgfdg
i just want to sleep so the days will just go by faster. | | 6:56 pm |
Shitty.
Okay, i really don't understand anything right now. I hate being fucking confused about everything and it's pissing me off. Like, UGHH. I don't know what the hell I want right now. I should just back off guys for a longass time because it's kind of hurting me. and kyle's being a fucking fagg right now. ugh okay bye. Current Mood: pissed off | | Sunday, August 19th, 2007 | | 1:24 am |
WOO.
I fucking love whiteboys. hahahahahaha wwwwooooo. Current Mood:  bouncy | | Saturday, August 18th, 2007 | | 12:31 am |
random
Holy fucking shit.. I thought girls were clingy. oh man, some guys just need to chill the fuck out. Hahahah Seriously. You think only girls are the clingy ones but damn, every since i've been single it's nothing but nice guys with greatass personalities but i can't seem to look at anything but their flaws. I've met some pretty damn great guys this year.. But oh, well. Life moves on. Current Mood: amused | | Friday, August 17th, 2007 | | 10:06 pm |
I make things to difficult.
UGH. Hahaha you know what I just realized? I'm such a damn hypocrite. I hate clingyness, I hate when any random guy I start finding any interest in acts clingy toward me in ANY way. Once he does it, I drop him and never talk to him again until a couple months later or not at all, heh. I hate when guys I like smoke, but I don't care if any other guy that's not him does it. I hate that guys lie about not doing anything with other girls because they're scared of losing their girlfriend or EX- girlfriend, but what the hell. GIRLS do it too. I do it too, goddamnit. It is so sad to admit that I am one big goddamn hypocrite ( Sorry for all the cussing tonight btw; Idk what's wrong with me. I have one BIGGG potty mouff tonight, he he ) So, I was having this conversation last night and the other night with Richard and Bryce and I came to a conclusion that most people who have cheated in the past who choose never to tell their girlfriend/boyfriend NEVER intend on EVER telling them. I don't get it, no one wants to be cheated on yet human beings are soo damn greedy. We want everything, and we all want it at once. We don't like how everything takes TIME because we're so selfish. And EVEN THOUGH months go by and you don't give a shit about your ex, you STILL can't tell them you've cheated on them. Why? Why the hell can't we tell them? It's because we know we've done some fucked up shit and we still care in some way of hearing what we all know is the truth, that we're BASTARDS. I've been noticing a lot of things lately. I'm so disappointed. What the hell is wrong with couples these days? Why is it that when we have affairs with others while we're single, we can't admit it to our ex's? You feel that if you tell them, they'll never look at you the same. They'll misjudge you as EVERYONE else and no one wants to be looked at that way, especially by an ex. You always want to maintain that reputation in their mind that you're not like everyone else, because they have been with you everyday of your past relationship and they probably know you alittle more better than anyone else has throughout those hard days. So, you become this coward, this shameless liar that covers things up with lies over lies because you're scared. And the worse part after all that, is that even though the guiltyness stabs you in the heart when they ask you over and over again if you're completely sure you didn't do anything with anyone else besides them, you LIE through your teeth. You still manage to bite your tongue and hope they'll never find out. And once it's done and over with and the days get better between you both, you feel less guilty by the day because you don't think about it as much anymore. You've become this BIG FAT FUCKING LIAR. The same liar you're going to drag into your next relationship. My advice is, never EVER cheat if you're not going to tell them. or if you're ever gonna fuck somebody else or hell, just full around DON'T LIE ABOUT IT WHEN YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR EX. You're human, you have hormones too. Just as long as you don't do it when you're with them, then it's okay. Current Mood: disappointed | | Friday, June 29th, 2007 | | 4:50 pm |
Quiet deceiving.
When I looked at him, I didn't think he would turn out the way he did. I guess, looks and the things people may say about someone can be deceiving. I know things can be complicating but I really didn't think he was this way. I know people mess up but I guess, I'de like it if people meant what they said. bye. Current Mood: disappointed | | Sunday, June 24th, 2007 | | 10:48 pm |
So we thought
we were over each other, but apparently lastnight proved the both of us wrong. Sunday, June 24, 2007 Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22) Your emotions grow more powerful throughout the day, culminating in a battle, whether you externalize your conflict or not. If you have been holding something back, you may experience an exciting breakthrough at this time as your creativity kicks up a storm. Usually, you are willing to work behind the scenes, but now you want to push your way to center stage so that everyone will acknowledge what you do. I'm confused, I don't know what I want for my future. I need to buckle down and settle about my school business. I don't know if i wanna get back with Kyle this time. A lot of things have changed threw out the months. I always have my fallbacks once in awhile but I always get back up and try my hardest to look to the future. Never did I think this way going to happen to me. All my friends have been warning me about kyle lately though. Telling me that now because he might be going to college out here, he'll try to work things out again and try to get at me again. It scares me, so I try and not to make any effort. I like Kathryn's advice. She told me that I should just live up my life the way I have been and not to worry about it until he actually does move down here. That I should just kick back and let him try because over the past months, all I have been doing was try my best and it got me elsewhere which is true. A part of me wants to leap right back into the sack with him again and give this another shot but when I realize what he told his friends about our break up, it really hurts me. He said he basically didn't get back with me in the end was because of chelsea and he wanted to take a chance even though he knew there could be potential between him and i. that seriously killed my soul at that moment but i am better now. It took me a long time to try to get over it and heal and i'm still trying to find myself more and more everyday. Kyle's graduation party was in the afternoon so donald picked me up and we decided to grab some food before we headed down to kyle's mom's. I was finishing up Kyle's card and was kind of nervous to see him again. It's been since april 1st since i've last seen him and you could just kind of tell how i was feeling about the whole thing. I felt kind of rediculous for awhile for actually EVEN thinking about going. When we got to Kyle's, his face was priceless. He looked at me as if he were hella surprised that i actually came at all. I felt really uncomfortable and stupid for even showing up for awhile myself. The awkwardness died when I changed into kyle's mom's bikini and we got some jokes in. After Kyle's threw iced cold water all over me and threw me in the pool with him, I was good. After everybody had their fun and got out of the pool, we dried off and just hung out in the house. I'm really glad I got to see John again too, since he's back from the Navy. Donald said we had to go so we left and chilled at his new house for awhile until we met up with Chelsea, Lindsey and Natalie. Cutest girls ever btw<3 :] We all just chilled in the car laughing and joking until some dance show ended. Then we just followed cars and picked up Reed and tried to figure out what we were doing for the night. We all followed cars to Donald's house to drink for the night. While i was in the car, I texted kyle since telling him i was still in town and i hope he was still having fun at danee's grad. party. after he texted me saying he was drinking and to have fun, me and donald got hyphy in the carr ;];];] He textd me later asking to pick him up bcus he wanted to hangoutt but he was too crossfaded. Then he just started trippin' balls at me and donald bcus he thought we lied about going home just so we could leave his party, which was not true at all. Because as far as i know, i didn't even mind staying there after awhile. Anyways, so we argue on the phone until he hangs up on me and calls donald and starts fighting with him. Then donald drives over to kyle's to "talk" one on one with him and pick him up to kickkitt. I pulled an all nighter with donald, chelsea, natalie, reed and kyle. It was a lot of fun. Except, i was a lil toooooo typsy :( falling all over the place and tripping over myself but it's okay because my girls got me<3 ;] I was so emotionally drunk, it was rediculous. It was my first time being a little more emotional then the normal. Serriioussly. I guess, because me and kyle have never actually just been " just friends " it was getting to me by the way we were acting toward each other lastnight. We kept our distance from each other and i wasn't used to it at all. At times, all i wanted was a hug from him or something but I got nothing. And when he talked about other girls in front of me, it bugged me a little but I got over it. Kevin called and told me the most cutesttt thing ever so it made me feel better about the night :] I decided to sleep over Donald's and everybody else just left to sleep at Reed's. So, it was just me and kyle sleeping over donald's. I slept on the couch and kyle slept on the air mattress. When donald got to his room, i just layed there kinda buzzed still on the couch. I felt cold and told kyle so he told me that I could lay with him if I wanted. So, i grabbed my blanket and went over to him and we held eachother and cuddled. We talked about things and he was telling me that he's missed me and that if he gets into AMDA which he said he probably will be.. it's literally like 5 minutes awy from me and he'll be closer to me and maybe we could try giving it another shot. I told him that i thought he had gotten over me a long time ago but he said he guessed wrong just as much as I did. man, i felt so confused at that moment. I felt like crying but i held it in. i told him that it took me so long to try to get over him. we ended up kissing and eskimo kisses. he kissed me cheeks and nose and forehead and just looked at me for awhile. we basically spent the whole night together and it felt nice to waking up to his face in the morning and have him hold my hand again. after we all woke up, we drove kyle back to his house and we kissed and hugged eachother goodbye and donald drove me home. my parents weren't that mad as i thought they would have been but i know my dad's still at me for what i did. i'm looking forward to my future.. but i'm also scard out of my mind. i don't know what to do. Current Mood:  blank | | Thursday, June 21st, 2007 | | 1:14 pm |
It will always be this way.
So, I've already lost track of the days and dates lately. Summer only started this week and I can't even keep track of time. i think the only reason why I'm blogging is because I'm kind of sad. I don't feel like talking about this with anyone else.. Including my best friends. I know they won't seem to understand and I know they can't really say anything that will fix this. Kenneth and i were talking on the phone last night about my ex.. he asked if i loved him and of course i DO but not IN LOVE with him. So, I asked if the love he had for me was PUPPY LOVE and we both think it is.. but it also got me thinking about Kyle and how upset and dissapointed I get hearing about him these days.. Like, how he gets drunk and stoned all the time now. It's discusting to me. I'm just not used to seeing this side of him at ALL and it bothers me. I'm not stupid and it isn't like I don't expect him to be messing around with other girls.. It's just.. i guess, i still care. Even if it's the smallest amount, I know when I think or talk about these things... it shows that somewhere inside of me, I still care. In this point of time, I am hoping karma will show up at my doorstep anytime now. I enjoy talking to a lot of people and I love having my own personal fun. I know what I can have and I know what ability and advantages I can take control over but, it isn't fulfilling my needs. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for but I know the feelings when it tingles all threw my spine and leaves me breathless. I wanna have someone who will leave me breathless and wanting more every second. Who will make me throw back my hair in laughter and turn my cheeks rosey from blushing about all the silly cute things he says to me. Every word spoken from him, is from his heart and they mean something special to not only me, but to him. There is never any second thought to his actions because I am behind every one of them. Every kiss and squeeze around my waist feels like he never wants to let me go. Every look into his eyes, I can something greater than any other guy out there and vice versa. We can chill around the t.v and he can still love me even without all the make up and sweats with tied up hair. He will appreciate it when I take care of him when he gets sick and coughs all over me. Goes out of his way to show me I deserve the world even when I'm not asking for anything. He doesn't have to say I love you to me because I can feel it everytime we're together. We share this natural compassion and intimacy that makes us come back for more and more. Surprises me at my doorstep instead of calling or texting, just because he misses/thought of me. He can come to me crying with all his deep secrets because he trusts me. He holds my hand proudly around everyone with a great big smile just because, I'm HIS girl and nobody else's. I didn't puppy love kyle. I really loved him. Is it normal to feel this way? Does EVERY teenager feel this way when they have " puppy love " ? It's been 6 monthes since we have actually broken up. It's been since April 1st, that we have seen each other and officially ended things. I was so attached and I wish to be unattached but everytime he comes back into my life, it seems to be impossible. The other day he texted me when I was at the beach with sugee. Telling me he'de be moving closer for school but I didn't reply back because I didn't know what to say. He texted me the day after, telling me again and that I could visithim everyday 24/7 for the resttt of my life because he'll be moving in to hollywood. And that we should hang out a lot since he'll be around.. but, I don't know. Is that a good idea? All my friends are telling me that he'll probably try something on me again because " why not?! he'll be closer, he was with you for almost 2 years and you two HAD something " but that's the thing... we.. HAD something. Isn't it better to left things the way they were instead of trying to fix them? I don't want to have to be the girl who tried fixing broken glass.. not again. I don't want to be hurt. No one does, it's common sense. We try to protect our hearts all we can but sometimes, we find that special someone who automatically grasped it from the first moment you layed eyes on them. I don't want to go looking for love again in all the wrong places. Is it even possible to fix such a relationship? What we had in the past.. can it be improved? Can it REALLY change the way we want it to be? Because I know I tried changing it but it got me nowhere.. because he wasn't trying anymore. And it made me realize.. When one is trying to hold on, the other has probably let go a long time ago.. It just sucks that I had to see it the hard way. And what hurts even more is that he doesn't even see it nor would he ever understand. To him, I'm the bad girlfriend. People tell me, " dawn you're too pretty for him anyways.. " " dawn, you're too good for him. he never appreciated you, he was an asshole " It's not like that at all.. or at least, I never thought about it in that way. My looks do not matter compared to my personality. My personality and looks balance out, i guess. But, sometimes we grow older and just get sick of all the fighting. I guess, we had it coming and the single life just looked so tempting to him. I wouldn't honestly blame him either.. the fights, the nights we stayed arguing or mad at eachother just seemed soo rediculous after awhile.. but I really LOVED him and i loved him good. I would have put my heart and soul into making him happy and it hurts so much for him not to see that or want it back. I don't miss that relationship so much because things do seem to much easier now. We both agreed that we feel like we could do anything we want now without worrying about someone back home. But, would he ever want me back in that way? I think, he's scard to see me because he knows he'll want me all over again. Not to sound shallow or proud, but I know him and I do know how we are when we're together. Friends or not, he will always be mine in some way and I will always be his. He is my first love. Current Mood:  contemplative | | Tuesday, June 5th, 2007 | | 12:02 am |
LOVELIFE.
i'm lovin it right now! serious :) yeeeeeee I'M FEELIN THE LOVEEEEEEEEE. I think getting over sailuo, was one of the smartest idea's and i'm pretty much settling in with this content stage in my life :) brownies are in the oven. (: Current Mood: cheerful | | Monday, June 4th, 2007 | | 4:56 pm |
YIPPIE!
hi ! :) I'm in ROP right now with sugee ! Damn, I'm bored. Current Mood: chipper | | Sunday, June 3rd, 2007 | | 3:56 am |
waste of fucking time.
i can't sleep.... soo much on my mind rightnow... it's fucking 4am and shit.. i can't believe i dated an asshole... i didn't know you were this cruel and rude.. neither did i think you were going to do this fucking shit. ahh, i'm still high from earlier. just alittle dizzzyyyy and talking to ray online right now about shit that's been going on lately. i hate this feeling i have right now. sigh.. " Whatever i think its better that we stay friends, summers coming up and you don't need me, I aint ready for no relationship I know you want it but its not for me. " wow, thanks A LOTTTTTTT. anyways, i love my friends<3 I'm serrrious. If ya'll weren't here, I don't know what i'de do<3 ya'll know who you are. &at " The Last Wave " danceeee<33 Current Mood: high |
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